Very Mary-Kate (2010–2013)

1. S01E01Moving OutJanuary 31, 2010—I get a new place. Ash looks totes fugly - ugh - I mean tired in this one. Wardrobe provided by Donna Karen.
2. S01E02Moving DayJanuary 31, 2010—My bodyguard is responsible for everything related to my body, including moving the stuff I surround my body with.
3. S01E03BodyguardJanuary 31, 2010—Got legit sick filming this. Didn’t sleep for 48 hrs. Not cuz of drugs, you haters, b/c I’m an effing method actor.
4. S01E04BabyJanuary 31, 2010—I consider getting a baby. At least I think that’s what happens. It’s been a while since I read the script.
5. S01E05Baby DaddyFebruary 8, 2010—Bodyguard flat out refuses to be my daddy baby, so I flat out threaten to steal his sperm.
6. S01E06DepressedMarch 1, 2010—I’m tired of waiting around for that special someone to have a baby for me.
7. S01E07HangoverMarch 1, 2010—I learn never to drive drunk. Especially when driving a blimp.
8. S01E08FightMarch 1, 2010—I know to get emotional when the piano music kicks in.
9. S01E09Philip Seymour HoffmanMarch 13, 2010—I get acting lessons from the Academy Award-winning creep-o.
10. S01E10CatApril 4, 2010—I decide to get a cat rather than have a baby because it’s more expensive.
11. S01E11Back to SchoolApril 4, 2010—I’m going back to college to get my The Bachelor degree.
12. S01E12ExtensionApril 11, 2010—Can I have an extension on that paper I have to write? I have to learn how to write.
13. S01E13PaperApril 11, 2010—I ended up getting an “F” for “F”-ort.
14. S01E14CrushApril 18, 2010—It’s just a little crush and I throw up a little every time they touch.
15. S01E15AshleyguardApril 18, 2010—But Ashley doesn’t have nipple hair!
16. S01E16NightmareApril 26, 2010—Quiet, Evil Dragon, I’m trying to write a description!
17. S01E17Zac EfronApril 29, 2010—A date with Zac Efron? Zac Ef yes!
18. S01E18Philip Seymour Hoffman 2May 3, 2010—Is this about all those blimps I crashed? Because I keep telling you guys, I don’t care.
19. S01E19GunMay 3, 2010—Do you feel lucky, Bodyguard? Are you a Luckyguard?

Season 1 ranked & reviewed

1. S02E01RecapOctober 12, 2010—OMG you guys! I’m back! Did you miss me?
2. S02E02CloneOctober 14, 2010—Comet is back! Thank you, science!
3. S02E03CheatingOctober 19, 2010—Cheating is so hard! I need to learn how to cheat at it.
4. S02E04Woody AllenOctober 21, 2010—Amir guest stars as Mary-Kate’s Godfather.
5. S02E05Trick-or-TreatOctober 26, 2010—Tricking is less calorific than treating.
6. S02E06HoffmoweenOctober 28, 2010—Phil Hoffman’s scariest as himself.
7. S02E07ExcusesNovember 2, 2010—My dog ate this video description.
8. S02E08PresentationNovember 4, 2010—The best presentation in the history of history class.
9. S02E09DrivingNovember 9, 2010—Learning to drive is as easy as eating pie. It’s very hard.
10. S02E10Woody Allen 2November 11, 2010—Where there’s a will, there’s a way too talkative.
11. S02E11NakedNovember 16, 2010—Bodyguard’s in his birthday suit.
12. S02E12FiredNovember 18, 2010—Bodyguard gets a pink slip. Oooooh, pink!
13. S02E13HiredNovember 23, 2010—One girl’s trash is another girl’s bodyguard.
14. S02E14Photo ShootNovember 30, 2010—A face that only her sister could love.
15. S02E15BathDecember 2, 2010—Rub-a-dub-dub, Ashley wants some love.
16. S02E16Presentation 2December 7, 2010—I put my Louisiana Purchase on my Amex.
17. S02E17ConferenceDecember 9, 2010—Bodyguard and Professor go head-to-fat-head.
18. S02E18Sexy TimeDecember 14, 2010—Ashley won’t take gross for an answer.
19. S02E19SickDecember 16, 2010—It’s not bulimia when you haven’t eaten.
20. S02E20ConfessionDecember 21, 2010—Mary-Kate gets D and dirty with G almighty.
21. S02E21ChurchDecember 28, 2010—The lord is my shepherd, but lambswool makes me itchy.
22. S02E22Vegas (1)January 4, 2011—
23. S02E23Vegas (2)January 6, 2011—
24. S02E24Vegas (3)January 11, 2011—Deserts are even scarier than desserts.
25. S02E25Vegas (4)January 13, 2011—Mary-Kate tweets her way to safety.
26. S02E26Gold RushJanuary 18, 2011—Is a gold rush when Tiffany’s has a sale?
27. S02E27Presentation 3January 20, 2011—Always present on an empty stomach.

Season 2 ranked & reviewed

1. S03E01Raise Your HandDecember 1, 2011—I can’t raise my hand. I’m allergic to effort.
2. S03E02MagazinesDecember 8, 2011—Magazines are sooo heavy. Especially the ones with pictures of fat people.
3. S03E03JetlagDecember 15, 2011—Can’t sleep? Count sheepskin boots.
4. S03E04SantaDecember 22, 2011—Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house… I was shuffling around chain smoking and trying on different shoes.
5. S03E05Presentation 4January 6, 2012—War – what is it good for? Cute uniforms.
6. S03E06Jewish Looking GirlJanuary 12, 2012—She’s a rock star of David.
7. S03E07LayersJanuary 19, 2012—It’s freezing cold under all these layers.
8. S03E08Call My PhoneJanuary 26, 2012—Sing along! Actually no, just find my phone.
9. S03E09TrentaFebruary 2, 2012—Start the morning with a gallon of joe.
10. S03E10Evil DragonFebruary 9, 2012—It’s always the bodyguard you least suspect.
11. S03E11PoliceFebruary 17, 2012—I fought the law and the law was a jerk face.
12. S03E12Mug ShotFebruary 23, 2012—Is this the duckface of a criminal?
13. S03E13JailMarch 8, 2012—Mary-Kate deals with life in the slammer.
14. S03E14DishwasherMarch 15, 2012—Mary-Kate loves shiny appliances! And by that she means sweaty laborers.
15. S03E15Pillow TalkMarch 22, 2012—Mary-Kate and Bodyguard may have effed up and effed.
16. S03E16Sex and Sexuality (Very Maggie Smith)April 1, 2012—Butler stays abreast of Maggie Smith’s love life.
17. S03E17Sleeping in ClassApril 5, 2012—Mary-Kate goes to sleep to the soothing sounds of a yelling professor.
18. S03E18Professor’s PresentationApril 12, 2012—Mary-Kate sabotages Professor in front of the school board.
19. S03E19Slumber PartyApril 19, 2012—First one to fall asleep gets a hand in warm Pellegrino.
20. S03E20PillsApril 26, 2012—Take once per day with a picture of food.
21. S03E21CometMay 3, 2012—Mary-Kate’s cat meows out against drugs.
22. S03E22Draw SomethingMay 10, 2012—Mary-Kate challenges Bodyguard to some 1am Pictionary.
23. S03E23The Case of the Cracked Cup (Very Maggie Smith 2)May 24, 2012—When Maggie Smith’s teacup goes handle-less, everyone’s a suspect.
24. S03E24Summer HouseMay 31, 2012—Mary-Kate gets lost indoors and has to crack out her survival skills.

Season 3 ranked & reviewed

1. S04E01ManicureJanuary 24, 2013—Mary-Kate’s nail art should hang in a museum.
2. S04E02Lost in TranslationJanuary 31, 2013—Mary-Kate makes a French connection.
3. S04E03Breaking UpFebruary 7, 2013—Mary-Kate is torn between her muscleman and her Frenchman.
4. S04E04Dinner with HoffmanFebruary 14, 2013—The Oscar creeper sabotages Mary-Kate and Sarkozy’s date.
5. S04E05InstagramFebruary 21, 2013—Who wants daiquiris??? #nofilter
6. S04E06EvaluationsMarch 7, 2013—Mary-Kate writes her teacher evaluations, and Fat Professor forms a rebuttal.
7. S04E07ShroomsMarch 13, 2013—Mary-Kate and Jewish-Looking Girl trip into friendship.
8. S04E08Conference CallMarch 21, 2013—Mary-Kate needs help with a homework assignment, and enlists the help of everyone she knows.
9. S04E09Drinking GameMarch 28, 2013—Mary-Kate creates her own drinking game, and quickly gets sick of it.
10. S04E10Bad ConnectionApril 11, 2013—Bodyguard and Mary-Kate’s relationship takes a turn for the staticky.
11. S04E11Presentation 5April 18, 2013—Mary-Kate gives a presentation about the Wig Party.
12. S04E12Diamonds Are My Only FriendsApril 25, 2013—

Season 4 ranked & reviewed