Crossing Swords (2020–2021)
Plot
Crossing Swords follows a goodhearted hero wannabe named Patrick, who lands his dream job as a squire, only to learn the royal castle is a corrupt hornet's nest of horny monarchs, crooks, and charlatans. War, murder, full-frontal nudity—who knew brightly colored peg people led such exciting lives?
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Highest-rated episodes all ranked
- 01
Look Who’s StalkingFed up with a string of bad investments that have led the kingdom to bankruptcy, King Merriman throws out a pot of “magic beans,” which quickly grow into a giant beanstalk. Seeing an escape from his responsibilities, Merriman climbs the beanstalk with Patrick pursuing him. They find a beautiful kingdom in the clouds, a society of peace, sharing and kindness—a perfect new realm for Merriman to dominate and ruin. Patrick has to return the King to the surface before he destroys the cloud kingdom— and before the beanstalk is chopped down and they’re stranded forever. - 02
In the Line of SquireAs a string of high-profile assassinations rock the kingdom, the headstrong and petulant Princess Blossom returns home from school to attend a giant music festival. Patrick is stuck as her one-man security detail. Guarding the mischievous teenager gets even more difficult when the assassin strikes the festival, and Patrick realizes he’s truly in over his head. - 03
The A-Moooo-Zing RaceThe assassin has orchestrated the kidnapping of Princess Blossom, and a Minotaur holds her captive in its maze. Now the King and Queen must abdicate the throne, or their daughter will be eaten by a monster. Patrick and a host of fellow adventurers— including his own siblings—must brave the labyrinth and its traps in order to slay the Minotaur and retrieve the Princess.
Episodes by season
Season01
- S01E01
PilotJune 12, 2020Young Patrick dreams of earning his knighthood and dispensing justice to evildoers. He’s driven by his goodhearted, earnest nature, but also - S01E02
Hot Tub Death MachineJune 12, 2020Patrick’s excitement to start his new squire job is quickly dampened when he is placed in charge of deciding who to execute as part of King - S01E03
What’s Kraken?June 12, 2020When Patrick scores highly coveted tickets to a Kraken watching cruise for his parents, he sees an opportunity to impress his hard-to-please - S01E04In the Line of SquireJune 12, 2020As a string of high-profile assassinations rock the kingdom, the headstrong and petulant Princess Blossom returns home from school to attend
- S01E05
Let Them Eat ClownJune 12, 2020Patrick is thrilled to escort King Merriman to a charity golf retreat, only to arrive and find out it’s actually the Chill Society, an annua - S01E06
My Super Sweet Period PartyJune 12, 2020As the only uncut squire, Patrick is horrified to learn that he will need to undergo a circumcision to keep his job. Meanwhile, as Blossom c - S01E07Season's bestLook Who’s StalkingJune 12, 2020Fed up with a string of bad investments that have led the kingdom to bankruptcy, King Merriman throws out a pot of “magic beans,” which quic
- S01E08
The Snow JobJune 12, 2020When a deadly plague sweeps through the Kingdom, Patrick accompanies the royal family north to stay safe, isolated in an icy ski lodge. Whil - S01E09The A-Moooo-Zing RaceJune 12, 2020The assassin has orchestrated the kidnapping of Princess Blossom, and a Minotaur holds her captive in its maze. Now the King and Queen must
- S01E10
Unchained MonarchyJune 12, 2020Patrick returns to the castle with the rescued Princess Blossom only to find it under siege. The minotaur maze was only part of the assassin
Season02
- S02E01
Shamrock ShakedownDecember 10, 2021—Patrick finds himself on trial for betraying the kingdom, and only avoids punishment with a Hail Mary promise to the king: that he will find - S02E02
Toxic FemininityDecember 10, 2021—A drug epidemic at Blossom’s all-girls academy threatens to derail the king and queen’s scheme to draw attention to their newfound wealth. P - S02E03
Destination: WeddingDecember 10, 2021—The wedding of the year brings Merriman a chance to mend fences with King Rami IV, whose son is arranged to marry Holden the squire. But whe - S02E04
Good VibrationsDecember 10, 2021—When Queen Tulip slips into a sex-toy-induced coma, King Merriman throws a beauty pageant to replace her. Patrick feels guilty because he re - S02E05
Get Your Minchachas OutDecember 10, 2021—On an island training retreat, Patrick and the squires meet the most famous knight in the kingdom, but Patrick quickly decides the knight’s - S02E06
Tent PitchingDecember 10, 2021—The circus returns to the kingdom, much to the king’s delight. Blarney is reunited with his uppity clown college classmates. Patrick, howeve - S02E07
Nothin, Usurp With U?December 10, 2021—The kingdom adjusts to life under its new (old) king, the Old King, who is back on the throne thanks to Danielle’s machinations. Patrick is - S02E08
Sad-iatorDecember 10, 2021—As punishment for his refusal to turn in King Merriman, Patrick finds himself sentenced to fight in the arena as a gladiator. Merriman start - S02E09
Knight of the F**king DeadDecember 10, 2021—Merriman and Tulip are back just in time for the annual Hallowtide party. Patrick is tasked with chaperoning Princess Blossom but abandons h - S02E10
Hard Day’s KnightDecember 10, 2021—After months of the kingdom depleting the jewel mines underground, the Mole People finally lash out at the surface-dwellers who have ruined
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